Numair's Cauldron of Fanon
by Sogno di Felicita
Summary: This idea has probably been done before, but anyway, what if all our favorite Tortallans met their fanfiction counterparts? Chaos and madness insue. Rating is probably overkill.
1. Many Many Numair's

Please don't take offense if one of your fics resembles the Numair in this one. It's supposed to be funny, that's all. And I've read a bunch of fics researching, so chances are you aren't the only person who's going to think that.

Disclaimer: I'm not Tammy Pierce. I don't own anything here. That is, except my evil plot!

Numair was working late at night. He was very tired, and that was the only excuse he could think of for why he had made such an error. He was simply trying to scry the future, a thing he had been doing successfully since he was a child of thirteen, and yet this time he stumbled into something called "fanfiction world," and all these people he knew were coming out of his cauldron! Well, he knew them, but he didn't. Under close inspection, they appeared like the people that he knew, but they didn't act like them. And so many were coming out, too.

"Alanna!" He yelled, "You had better get in here, quick! You're coming out of my cauldron!"

"You're absolutely mad Numair, I can't possibly be coming-" Alanna stopped short when she arrived, for indeed, she was coming out of his cauldron, along with Daine, George, Jon, and many, many other people.

"I'll go and get the others. They'll probably want to see this too. And maybe together, we can figure out how to get rid of them faster." Alanna said to Numair, and, with a nod, she was off.

Numair realized that _he_ was coming out of the cauldron, and decided he had best talk to himself…

Numair: Hello, all you Numairs…This is very odd

Fluffy Numair: You could say that again. I was having a nice little time when you pulled me away.

Numair: What? What were you doing?

Fluffy Numair: I was enjoying my time with Daine. What else do I ever do?

Studious Numair: Well, though being with Daine is nice, you also have to study! Learn! Keep up your reputation as a black robe of Carthak.

Modern Numair: What are you all talking about? I'm not a magician, I'm a scientist! I can't do magic! And where are we? This is called Tortall, you say? Must be somewhere in Europe…

Absentminded Numair: I think time would be better spent daydreaming…often about Daine, it's true, but about other things too.

Fatherly Numair: Now really, as much as I love Daine, you're really supposed to be more protective of her, and act more like a father or teacher!

Numair: What? All you all think about is Daine?

Fluffy Numair: Well, what else do you think about?

Numair: Well…I do study, and read, and talk to other people. I'm not as single minded as all of you seem to be!

Teenage Numair: Who's Daine? Usually if I have to think about somebody romantically, it's a strange OC I've never met or heard of. But most of my time is spent running around from the emperor of Carthak.

Numair: Woah, it's a little me! This is really creepy…how do I get rid of you all?

All Numairs: None of us know! You might have to wait until everybody else gets talked to.

Numair: Great. I hope Alanna hurries back.

A/N: So what do you think? Admittedly, Numair isn't the best to start off with, but I couldn't think of another way to do it. And I know it's really short, I'll try to make the next one longer. Any suggestions on characters would be much appreciated. R/R, please!


	2. The Scariest Opponent of Them All

Whoohoo! Another chappie! I really like this idea for some reason, I'm just that messed up. Well, also, this requires lots of research, as in, I have to read a lot of fanfiction. It's pretty great. Anyway, I don't own anything, not even this idea, really. I saw it before, somewhere, but I don't remember where. So if this is your idea, and you want credit, tell me, and I'll give it to you. So, on to the fanfiction!

"Alanna! Thank Mithros you're back!" Numair exclaimed when Alanna walked through the doorway of his workshop. "I've spoken to these people, and they tell me that they are from a place known as fanfiction, and the only way to get them to go away is for everybody to talk to their counterparts!"

"Numair, are you serious? That's terrible!" Alanna replied, "Well, I guess I might as well go and get it over with. Here goes nothing." So Alanna went off to face her scariest opponent every, herself.

Alanna: Ok, other selves, what is going on here? Who are you all?

Grumpy Alanna: Go away! I'm hot tempered! I don't want to talk to anybody!

Convent Alanna: Hey, at least you get to have fun, you don't have to live at the convent!

Shang Alanna: I lived at the convent for awhile.

Alanna: You had to go to the convent? shudders

Convent Alanna: Yes, I did, and I absolutely _hated_ it! At least, most of the time. Sometimes it was ok. But anyway, now I do things like sit still and sew and embroider! Yuck!

Shang Alanna: I _always _hated it, so I ran away and joined the Shang, and became the Shang Lioness. Rrawr!

Jon's Alanna: Yeah, well, you don't have to be queen, so don't complain about sitting still and acting like a lady! Sometimes he makes me want to leave and join the Shang!

Alanna: You married JON?

Jon's Alanna: Yes, and we were quite happy, of course, until he became the king. Now, I can't do anything I like.

Alanna: That's really bad. I'm very sorry for you.

Fluffy Alanna: Well, sometimes I'm Jon's too, but generally I'm with George. But it's all right, because it's all so nice and fluffy!

Alanna: Fluffy?

Fluffy Alanna: Our relationships don't have any substance, only fluff!

Alanna: I see…

Slutty Alanna: Yeah, but she needs one partner. I don't see why that's the case. Bring 'em on!

Alanna: No need to ask who you are, I suppose.

Slutty Alanna: Nope. I'll take 'em all on. George, Jon, other women, Faithful…

Alanna: FAITHFUL?

Slutty Alanna: Yeah, sure. Why not?

Alanna: Because Faithful is a CAT!

Slutty Alanna: So? If it's what the people want…

Alanna: This is ridiculous.

Grumpy Alanna: Everything's ridiculous.

Modern Alanna: Where are we?

Alanna: What are you supposed to be?

Modern Alanna: I live in the year 2005, in a place called the USA. Or sometimes in Europe.

Alanna: Europe?

Modern Alanna: Sometimes.

Fluffy Alanna: Don't ask her about it. You'll only give yourself a headache.

Alanna: Ok, I won't think about it.

Singing Alanna: La la la la la la! I'm SINGING in the rain!

Grumpy Alanna: It isn't raining!

Singing Alanna: I know, but I'm ALWAYS singing! It's in my name! SINGING Alanna!

Alanna: Why are you always singing?

Singing Alanna: Because it's what I always do! The authors like to think that we all know all these songs I've never heard of, and they like to have us sing them!

Alanna: Ok, this is becoming really scary. I think I've met you all, so I'm going to leave now…

And with that, she left, and went back to where Numair was standing. "Numair, this is absolute madness! But I guess we just have to get it over with. Send in the next person."

A/N: So what do you think? Should I continue? Or should I delete this because it's terrible? Reviews are greatly appreciated, as are ideas on who you think I should do. Thanks!


	3. I'll Do My Best

"Kel, you had best get in there next, I guess." Alanna said to Kel, because she was standing just outside the door. "But I'll warn you that it's _very_ odd. But you're a pretty steady girl, you should be able to handle it."

"Thanks, Alanna, I'll do my best!" Kel said, and walked into the room confidently. After all, not much truly bothered the children of ambassadors; they'd seen everything before.

Kel: Ok, what do you all want?

Slutty Kel: That depends. What do _you _want?

Kel: What's that supposed to mean?

Slutty Kel: Only that you're the biggest wench in all of Tortall! You're with everybody!

Kel: What? I am not!

Slutty Kel: Well, no, probably not, but you're the only one without a firm partner in place, so writers let their imaginations run wild, putting you with everybody!

Fluffy Kel: She's right about that, at least.

Kel: What do you mean?

Fluffy Kel: Well, even if they don't make you a total wench, you are the one who gets the most fluff!

Kel: Fluff?

Fluffy Kel: You're romances that have no substance, just a load of fluff! Honestly, I think you could swim in all of your fluff. And it gets pretty interesting too, what with you being torn two ways. Usually it's with Dom, at least if it's going to be really fluffy! But sometimes it's Neal too.

Kel: Dom?

Fluffy Kel: Yes, Dom.

Kel: And Neal?

Fluffy Kel: Yes, and Neal.

Kel: That's…that's…that's…

Lump Kel: You're showing emotion. Do not show emotion. Be a calm mountain lake.

Kel: What?

Lump Kel: I am the Kel that is consistently a lump. It's not a fun job, but somebody has to do it.

Kel: You're taking the emotionless thing a little far…

Rejected Kel: I have lots of emotions to express, but I bottle them up inside me, leading to lots of ANGST!

Kel: What?

Rejected Kel: I was rejected by Lord Wyldon, and I went back to the Yamani Islands and became a warrior, joined the Shang, or became a womanly woman.

Kel: But that's ridiculous!

Rejected Kel: Yes, it is, but that's the life I live.

Kel: I'm very sorry for you.

Embarrassed Kel: Be sorry for me too! My friends are always constantly embarrassing me!

Kel: Why do they do that?

Embarrassed Kel: Well, usually they try to set me up with Dom, or sometimes Neal.

Kel: They try to set you up?

Embarrassed Kel: Yes, and they do the strangest things in the process…

Kel: I don't think I want to know.

Slutty Kel: You're probably right there, love.

Kel: Thanks for that.

Embarrassed Kel: Really, they're not _all _that bad. Ok, there was that one time that Alanna cut off all my pants and made them into shorts. And that other time that Raoul made us walk around Corus apologizing to everybody we had offended when we were drunk...

Kel: That's great.

Embarassed Kel: It was, actually.

Kel: I was sort of being sarcastic.

Embarassed Kel: Oh.

Kel: Well, anyway, I think I've seen you all. I'll be leaving now.

And with that, Kel walked out of the room.

A/N: Yay! There's another chappie! Thanks so much to everybody who has given me a review! And special thanks to **ConfusedKnight **and** I-Like-Llamas**for letting me use their amazing ideas in my little ficlet. Their fics rock, go check them out. Oh, and in the next chapter, there will actually be something resembling a _plot_! Get excited! Ok, well, that's all for now, please review!


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